Pretty Maids All in a Row (1971)

If you define a cult movie as one that was commercially unsuccessful and wildly reviled at the time because it was not at all the movie audiences and critics were expecting, and as a movie that was hopelessly misunderstood but gradually gained a following who appreciated its engaging oddness, then you can’t get much more cult than Pretty Maids All in a Row. There was some excitement when the movie was announced. It was directed by Roger Vadim (just a few years after he had attracted a lot of attention with Barbarella), the script was written by Gene Roddenberry (yes, Mr Star Trek himself) and the cast was pretty promising to say the least, with Rock Hudson, Angie Dickinson and Telly Savalas headlining. The setup, a series of murders of high school girls, maybe sounded a bit exploitative but it also sounded like the basis for a stylish adult-themed crime thriller.

It was released in 1971 and the critics savaged it and the public stayed away in droves.

So what went wrong? Maybe the critics hadn’t seen Barbarella. Maybe they hadn’t actually seen any of Vadim’s movies and maybe they actually thought he was going to make a conventional sexy thriller. Which, if you were familiar with his work, should have been the last thing you’d expect from him. What Vadim actually delivered was a bizarre sex comedy, with the humour being both black and outrageously sexual. There is no point in whining because a director doesn’t make the movie you wanted him to make. Vadim made the movie he wanted to make. And, as outrageous black sex comedies go, it works in its own delirious way.

We start with a typical 17-year-old high school student named Ponce De Leon Harper (yes, really) on his way to school on his motor scooter. It’s a nightmare journey for him. Everywhere he looks there are girls. Pretty girls. With short skirts, cute bottoms and pert breasts. Ponce spends far too much time thinking about such things. In fact he spends all his time thinking about such things. Like any normal 17-year-old he is obsessed with girls. One day he hopes he’ll actually get to sleep with one.

The nightmare gets worse when he arrives at English class and meets the new substitute teacher Miss Smith (Angie Dickinson) and of course all he can think about is her delicious body. He flees to the restroom and what does he find there? He finds a girl. And she’s dead. With a note pinned to her bottom.

Of course the whole school is soon in an uproar. Principal Proffer (Roddy McDowall) is in a panic, which is normal for him. Sheriff Podalski (Keenan Wynn) blunders in and manages to contaminate just about every piece of evidence. Captain Sam Surcher (Telly Savalas) from the State Police has a challenge on his hands. The only one not worried is the school’s guidance counsellor and football coach, former football star Tiger McGrew (Rock Hudson). He’s busy giving one of the female students some hands-on guidance. It’s not until they get their clothes back on that Tiger figures out that something strange is happening at the school.

Tiger takes his job as guidance counsellor seriously. He wants these kids to develop their potential, learn to express themselves and become well-rounded confident young people. With the girls his approach is to sleep with them. What could give a girl more confidence than being bedded by an all-American hunk and living legend like Tiger McGrew? Tiger also worries about the male students. Students like Ponce.

Ponce’s problem is his lack of sexual confidence so Tiger manages to persuade Miss Smith to do something to help him. He tells her that Ponce’s problem is that he’s totally impotent (when in fact of course his problem is quite the opposite). Maybe she could invite Ponce to her apartment and find a way to cure the poor boy’s impotence? When she notices that if Ponce had ever had problems getting it up he sure isn’t having any problems now she is delighted. She is a dedicated teacher who wants to help her students. She’s really a sort of guidance counsellor herself and since she’s been without a man for quite some time after a messy breakup she finds counselling Ponce to be a most satisfying experience. This sub-plot is just one of the many reasons this movie could not possibly get made today.

The dead bodies keep accumulating. The school has been hit with so many murders that there is even talk of cancelling an important football game, but it’s decided that four murders is insufficient reason to take such a drastic step.

This movie is pretty crazy to begin with and it gets steadily more unhinged.

While contemporary critics were bewildered the cast clearly knew what was going on and they tailor their performances accordingly. They go ludicrously over-the-top. And it works. It’s one of Rock Hudson’s best performances. Angie Dickinson is superb, Telly Savalas (in a performance that is almost a dry run for Kojak) is terrific and Roddy McDowall is wonderfully demented. As for the pretty maids, they are genuinely pretty and there are lots of them and they take their clothes off a lot. The nudity is really not particularly graphic. This is titillation rather than softcore porn. It’s the ideas in the film that might shock over-sensitive modern audiences, rather than the bare flesh.

While the plot is a bit aimless the ending is rather neat as we discover the way Tiger’s counselling has made at least one of his students bloom.

Roger Vadim is a director for whom very few people these days seem to have a good word. I really have no idea why. His movies might not be conventionally good movies but they’re usually interesting.

This is truly a weird little film but it is also, in its deranged and politically incorrect way, very funny. It’s certainly not the movie MGM were hoping for but it is a treat for anyone with a taste for oddball movies. Very highly recommended.

Sadly there’s been no major restoration done but the Warner Archive release offers a reasonably good transfer.